What triggered me today: Taking a Facebook comment too literally, defending said commenter, and making myself look like an ass. (For the record, I don’t condone bullying – I really truly don’t. I grew up poor, bullied, fat, and neurodivergent. My heart is literally breaking thinking anyone would believe otherwise about me).
And that’s on ADHD (and likely autism) hyper sensitivity.
My daughter wanted me to read her a book and I couldn’t do it. She got upset, crying and screaming, because I put her book down and told her I couldn’t read to her right now. I ended up snapping at her and carrying her to her room and walking out. I tried so hard to keep the frustration, which had absolutely nothing to do with her, at bay.
So I ignored her understandable pleas for attention and had myself a good cry. I’m still crying.
The best and most heartbreaking thing about kids is how loving and forgiving they are. I apologized, but she didn’t deserve a pissed off mom. She just wanted to practice her letters and reading like the amazing little girl that she is. I promised her I would read her books later when I am feeling better. She’s currently sitting on the bed behind me playing with her leap pad; she’s 2.5 and knows all of her letters, can count to 12, spell a couple of words, is perfecting her colors, and is speaking in full sentences, among other things… And she isn’t even old enough for preschool yet.
Again, she’s totally amazing. But I digress. This is about my brain-bee’s and oddities.
Now, I realize that me bawling my eyes out and having an adult tantrum over a Facebook thread is absolutely pathetic… I normally actively stay away from giving my opinion because then I just look like I’m disagreeing to disagree. People naturally do not like people that disagree with them all the time. This was not one of those times. I failed myself miserably. That’s one strike for impulse control. That said, I wasn’t expecting to get attacked for the things I was saying – and no matter hard I tried to explain myself, they simply weren’t having it. Then other people chimed in to agree with her.
For anyone that would be frustrating, but for me it’s absolutely soul crushing. Not that I’m being disagreed with, but that my points are being ignored and I’m being misunderstood. I obviously had the unpopular opinion, I’m used to that. It’s that I felt like I couldn’t articulate myself well enough for them to understand where I was coming from… And worse, feeling so incredibly stupid. They called me out for being “gullible.” And I just sat there…. They’re right.
I am gullible sometimes, unfortunately. More often than most. I’m not easily persuaded though – I’m too stubborn for that… Maybe I’m a bit too credulous. But to that I say – what is wrong with assuming the best in people? I may not have recognized that the person was being an ass, but why does that make me a bad person? The fact that I was trying to understand the bad guy that I didn’t recognize was the bad guy? I really don’t want to come across as naïve or child-like anymore, but I think I am doomed to an eternity of this inherent and societally-curated personality flaw.
This reminds me of the time that a family member had lied to me about stealing. I defended them, saying that they absolutely would never, etc… That logically it didn’t add up because they didn’t have a criminal history at all until that point. Everyone knew it to be true, and said family member gaslighted me, while everyone else just let me believe what I wanted to believe… Until I got the truth. I find myself in situations like this a lot and that’s why I feel like I’ve always been an easy target. I can’t read between the lines. I can’t pick up on sarcasm a lot of the time, for instance. That part of my brain is broken. It makes me feel like such an outlier to society.
It’s lonely. I am constantly teeter-totting between thinking I’m the problem and wondering if I’m just being too hard on myself. I spend a lot of time thinking I am a horrible mess of a person that shouldn’t be around people because it’s just too difficult to fit in. I’ve always been this way. People say to be myself but, what if people just really don’t like me? It’s the reason I have a dying blog and I’m struggling to be a part of any community, even online.
I’m sorry, this wasn’t really meant to be a woe-is-me post. I guess I’m just hoping that at least one person out there understands how I am feeling. Or maybe I’m just super out of touch, I don’t know.
I need to go clean my house, and I want to go spend some time with my Mischa-mouse. I also have some tiny paintings to create; check out this cute little stack of pancakes!
Hopefully I can pull myself together enough to get things done. Wish me luck. Happy Friday, everyone. 🙂
I should probably try to get more than 3 hours of sleep tonight.
~ Lindsy (Wheatoast)
Lindsy Wheaton 